Expert Insight: Questions of Identity

“In my work with women who experience despair and conflict in their relation to food, I have found that in the first hour they talk about eating.  By the second or third hour they tell me they feel confused and do not know what to do with their lives.  They have little sense of who they are or what they believe.  They are lost, empty, restless, confused and dissatisfied.  They are struggling with all the questions of identity their mothers also faced”.

Kim Chernin, “The Hungry Self”

In many ways, little has changed since Kim Chernin’s book was first published over 30 years ago.

In my work with clients with overeating issues today, I’d say the majority are struggling with questions of identity.  They also feel lost, empty, restless, confused and dissatisfied.  If food is an escape, it’s the discomfort of these feelings they’re often attempting to escape from.

And yet so much has changed in the last 30 years.  Perhaps most notably, we’ve experienced the birth and meteoric rise of social media and, along with it, an ever-increasing culturally-driven obsession with appearance.

Sharing platforms are bursting with people, especially young women, compensating for a lack of authentic self-worth by investing solely in their appearance. Their appearance becomes their identity.

While I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying how we look, it’s worth remembering it’s only part of our identity.  Identity also includes our personality, character, values and beliefs.

Obsessing about our appearance (something I’m definitely still guilty of at times) can distract us from our real issues, such as uncovering beliefs that limit our personal development and exploring our place in the world.

So rather than avoiding challenging feelings, what if we allow them to point us in the right direction? What if we use the information they provide to get to know ourselves?  And I mean really get to know ourselves – not the person we wish we were or the one we think we ought to be.

Then perhaps, rather than feeling lost, empty, restless, confused and dissatisfied we may begin to find answers to our individual questions of identity and develop a peaceful relationship with food.

What Do Other People Think Of You?

It’s a beautiful, sunny day and you’re taking a stroll.  A group of girls approaches. As they pass you, they burst into a fit of giggles.

“They’re laughing at me” is your immediate thought, as grey clouds descend in your mind.

You’re having a meal at your favourite restaurant.  You look up mid-mouthful and catch the eye of a fellow diner who’s frowning.

The food instantly turns bitter in your mouth, preceded by the thought: “He thinks I shouldn’t be eating this because I’m fat”.

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Food for Thought: The Risk of Authenticity

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest.  The choice to let our true selves be seen”. – Brené Brown

It’s a lovely idea, isn’t it?  We have the choice on a daily basis to be genuinely who we are.  It’s often what we yearn for – to have the courage to be ourselves, regardless of what other people think.

But…

What if.

What if people don’t like us?

What if people tell us we’re wrong?

What if we risk being ourselves and we get hurt?

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How Do You Handle Setbacks?

Photo by RoadTrafficSigns.com

“It was going really well and now it’s not and I’m just so annoyed and angry with myself.”

This is something I hear a lot.

I understand.  You’ve been doing really well listening to your body about when you’re hungry, what you feel like eating and when you’ve had enough.  You’ve been leaving food on your plate (something you thought you’d never do), you’ve turned down ice-cream because you didn’t feel like it (unheard of) and you ate just one brownie rather than devouring the whole batch (say whaaat?!).

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What Are You Waiting For?

We can spend so much of our lives waiting.

Waiting for something to happen.
Waiting for things to get better.
Waiting for the ideal moment.

I know I did (and sometimes still do).

There was an awful lot of time between acknowledging to myself that I had an overeating problem and healing my relationship with food.

Most of that time I spent waiting.

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