“Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” – Alice Miller
“I forgive them”. This is what victims of crime sometimes say when they’re interviewed on the news days, or even hours, after some terrible violation has been committed against them. Perhaps they were brutally attacked. Perhaps someone they love was murdered.
“I forgive the people who did this to me”, they say.
I always feel a sense of concern when I hear this.
Their forgiveness seems so immediate. It makes me wonder what happened to their feelings.
Continue reading “Food for Thought: The Rush to Forgiveness”
“Boundaries are the lines we draw that mark off our autonomy and that of other people, that protect our privacy and that of others. Boundaries allow for intimate connection without dissolving or losing one’s sense of self.”
– Amy Bloom
I love this definition of boundaries by Amy Bloom – psychotherapist, author, screenwriter and probably my new shero.
Boundaries make it safe for us to engage with others, without compromising our independence. They separate us from each other, while at the same time allowing us to be close. Rather than a barrier to relationship, boundaries give us the means to connect authentically.
But what if we don’t know where they are?
Continue reading “Food for Thought: Waking Up to Our Boundaries”
“It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness” – Charles Spurgeon.
I’ve spent my month’s blogging break decluttering my house.
I mean seriously decluttering.
Decluttering in the past meant I’d throw out a few things, take some bits and pieces to the charity shop and really just fanny about with everything else. I might box some stuff up and put it in the loft or hide it in cupboards or drawers but, truthfully, it was always more like strategic resettlement rather than a coordinated clear-out.
Continue reading “Food for Thought: The Enjoyment of Less”
“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me…Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” – Shel Silverstein
It’s that time of year again when I ask myself the searching question: “why didn’t I take two weeks off work so I could watch the TV?”.
Yes, it’s Wimbledon – the tennis tournament most beloved by players and fans alike.
One of the things I love about tennis is the way a match can turn around.
Continue reading “Food for Thought: Staying Connected to Hope”
“There is deep wisdom within our very flesh, if only we can come to our senses and feel it”. – Elizabeth A. Behnke
How could someone allow themselves to put on so much weight? Why can’t they just come to their senses? This – and much worse – is often what people who aren’t thin fear others are thinking about them. To be fair, it sometimes is what people think if they’ve never had any kind of overeating issue themselves.
I know from personal experience how easy it is to put on a lot of weight without even knowing. Hard as it might be for some people to believe, it’s not difficult to put on 5 stone or more without really noticing.
Continue reading “Food for Thought: Coming to Our Senses”
“I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be”.
– Kristen Neff
That self-critical voice has such authority, doesn’t it? We think “if I just strive to be the person it tells me I should be, then one day I’ll be OK”.
But that day will never come.
The day will never come when that negative voice in our head says “well done, you’re worthy, now you deserve to look after yourself”. Its sole motivation is to make us feel not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not successful enough, not enough, not enough, not enough…
Continue reading “Food for Thought: Unlocking Self-Compassion”
“You’ve got to know yourself so you can at last be yourself” – D.H. Lawrence
We know when we meet someone who’s at ease with themselves. They know who they are and they’re comfortable in their own skin. There’s no need for them to impress, play games or apologise for themselves.
If all we’ve ever experienced is disharmony within, we might envy them. “I wish I were like that”, we think. “Life must be so uncomplicated for them”.
The irony is that in order to be ourselves we often believe we need to be someone else entirely – someone better. Or, at the very least, we must “fix” what we believe is “wrong” about us.
Continue reading “Food for Thought: Knowing Yourself”